september 15 2026

I don’t know if any of this amounts to something that I can hold, but I hope that it all works out in the end. I don’t want to go home. I want to go to a place deep in between my heart and stomach where I can see a big mall on Christmas. Everything is too bright and your eyes begin to water as the nape of your neck is grabbed by two fingers. You aren’t supposed to be there. You’re supposed to go home. I think that everything that I have ever experienced is happening right now. I think you should never look behind you.

Everyone has a gun and also so much love for you. I have so much love for you. I live beside myself to let you in. Your knees won’t stop knocking against mine and I wish you were more aware of your noise. We all wish you had better hearing.

Time is falling in on itself and you cannot help but comment on how slow it’s going. Nothing leaves your mouth fast enough, this car is going too slow, and I do not have anything to give up. Actually, everything is in front of you right now. I have a shallow pocket to hold everything you hand me. It is emptied routinely, but you can always sense when I’m feeling free.

I looked for some relief. I promise that there is no room. You are too caught up covering your ears. My hands aren’t big enough and you can’t wait your turn. These things can’t all fit together. A little smooth stone sits in a drawer, but it is too late for anything to be done now. You offered it to me to keep for a while and I never touched it because it felt weird between my fingers. I can never quite hold onto what you give me.

It has lived deep inside of me, in between everything I have given up. It should be worth it. It feels right. It feels good to know there’s a small corner you can go to. I let it walk with me. I can keep up.

I could not push up and through if I tried. It is too tight around my waist. There is no light shining through what you cannot see. There is a long through line that runs past that red flower and into everyday life. What a thin line to walk beside. I tried to stumble but I am too steady. What has always been sold to me as a controlled transaction is slowly becoming a long sacrifice.

What relates back to you? Nothing that will help. It is a feeling that happens only at the highest point that can be reached every once in a while. When it feels like it. It has been so long since I laid down and let it see me. I always keep my eyes closed.