I don’t make the rules I just follow them by heart.

You need to brush your teeth without toothpaste after brushing them with toothpaste. A girl in sixth grade told me I was brushing my teeth wrong and that she brushes her teeth for fifteen minutes three times a day. The next time I went to the dentist almost all my enamel on my two front teeth were gone.

Turn the fan in the car up two notches when it is 70-80 degrees. AC on one notch is reserved for 80+ degrees, but only if it’s too windy to roll down the rear-left window.

You can only like root beer once you’ve graduated. Fanta in middle school, and Sonic Ocean Water in high school.

Take a picture of every “massage” parlor around town just in case.

Every night until you are sixteen you have to make the same hand movements. Right hand thumb presses base of right pinky finger five times, right ring finger four times, right middle finger three times, and right pointer finger twice. Don’t touch your thumb. Your palm is a TV remote, and you push 11111 2222 333 44, three times. Don’t touch your left hand. Two arms wrapped around the waist tightly, and you can fall asleep.

Try olives once a year and feel like a child when you don’t like them. Try again the next year, but with cheese.

Ask your dad for your grandma’s death certificate. When he says no, ask your aunt.

Remember that your uncle is actually pretty cool, he just has social anxiety and asks you to go on his balloon too often.

Become very talented at pouring liquid from a big container into a small container.

Become very talented at doing headstands.

Your Lyft driver was friends with the caretaker for Gene Hackman’s property. Listen to him, he might be in the news.

If someone starts to freestyle in front of you, you have to listen. You haven’t stopped listening since ninth grade. Take a video of them if they ask you to.

Every time you go to your grandma’s house, you have to get in a small argument with your mom and then make up immediately out of guilt. It’s what she would have wanted.

Come into contact with an ex-employee of your aunt’s new boyfriend.

Reach for the light and find love and all the other things that go along with that.

Stand with one foot in front of the other at a crosswalk so if you get pushed you don’t fall.