A manager named Amanda at my very first serving job, told me I was too masculine. She was 37 and I was 15. Newly employed and indoctrinated, I raised my voice a couple octaves. I am always that Catholic choir girl singing ALL THE HYMNS ON HIGH. Rome filled me with generous amounts of rage. Shane always makes the joke that I cursed out the Pope at 11 years old. I do not understand why I must be hushed around the Holy One. Jesus visited me in a dream oh so long ago, and that makes me as much of a Pope as Francis. My relationship with organized religion is one of a tragic fairy tale. I sang and danced and performed for the Lord, and began to realize I loved flying more than laying in a pew. I begged and begged and begged my father to come and watch me play Mary in my 7th grade Crucifixion play. When he did not show, I poured my hope into the Virgin and her wiles, and I have not looked back. I have fainted in a place of worship at least three times. Projectile vomited twice. A true visceral reaction to my birth. I miss having the gall to piss in park bushes. Now I must cower in the alleyways. Public urination is a charm on my bracelet. My middle school best friends and I would walk along ditches for miles on the weekends. Sometimes they would dare each other to jump in the water, it’s a miracle none of us ended up with water-borne illnesses. We would walk to the restaurant down the street from our bus stop and only order bread and water. We were the Disciples of our middle school. It is a shame those souls only know me for who I was at the time. I see them around rarely, and I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I’ve changed! That is the dilemma of growth, few are there to witness you blossom. Today I visited the Thai restaurant I frequented throughout my childhood. It had completely changed and was almost empty. Walls that were once adorned with framed bugs and war stories, were now bombarded with menu screens. I felt helpless and the food was bland. The orchid perched on top of my pad see ew stared at me as if to say I was too judgmental and businesses have to compartmentalize to induce profit. Such as inducing labor, profit margins create pain for a product. But I ate the pad see ew in its entirety. I guess it was out of guilt. Pity for lost pizzazz